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> Comedy/Joke Lounge, PLEASE keep it clean.
 
StarLight
post Oct 3 2011, 10:06 PM
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JOKE OF THE DAY

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man noticed that the older man always had a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts. When the old man returned, the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded, "That's ok. Since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms." laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 4 2011, 01:15 PM
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." laughter.gif

 
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StarLight
post Oct 5 2011, 06:36 PM
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Barbara called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "Nate and I had a horrible fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Barbara. "But what am I going to do with the body?" laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 7 2011, 11:30 AM
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Midlife

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full..of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans..we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves..and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife..jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself..and your chins follow suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here..how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 8 2011, 05:27 PM
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"

"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

** (You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done on this test.) laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 11 2011, 06:11 PM
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The Redneck Fisherman & the Game Warden

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a
game warden at Lake Hartwell as he started to drive his boat away from
the Lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there
papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and
let'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right
back into my net and I take'em home."

"What a line of horse ****.....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We
do this all the time."

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck, "I don't see no fish."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as
some government employees. You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 14 2011, 12:13 PM
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A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile.

The mother quietly reprimands her son.

After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

At this the lady glares at the little boy and the embarrased mother severly scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly, "look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existance.

Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.

The little boy yells in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for you life Mom, she's backing up!!!!" laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 16 2011, 02:47 PM
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Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a
Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach
into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over
her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end
and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!" laughter.gif

 
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StarLight
post Oct 18 2011, 11:16 AM
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Why I Can't Come to Work Today...

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Oct 23 2011, 02:48 PM
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INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And....
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.



THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles! laughter.gif
 
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Tuber
post Oct 26 2011, 07:03 AM
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It would seem that all our troubles are now over






So if ever you find yourself in that position then just go buy one ;)
 
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StarLight
post Oct 26 2011, 11:31 AM
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laughter.gif

angel.gif Thank You so much for moving Comedy/Joke Lounge

laughter.gif Love yours laughter.gif laughter.gif laughter.gif laughter.gif
 
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Tuber
post Oct 27 2011, 07:13 AM
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 
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StarLight
post Oct 30 2011, 03:15 PM
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THE DEAD PARROT

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Seņor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Seņor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Seņor, that's the one."
"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Seņor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Seņor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Seņor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Seņor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Seņor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Seņor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Seņor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Seņor Rod."
"WHAT FUNERAL???!!!"
"Your wife's, Seņor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep do-do." laughter.gif
 
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Tuber
post Oct 31 2011, 07:49 AM
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Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

 
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Tuber
post Nov 1 2011, 11:07 AM
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When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

 
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Tuber
post Nov 2 2011, 08:20 AM
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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are overly sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an overly sensitive woman.

My name is Nick. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Wanda.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Wanda to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed
she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it usually seems to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any(if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Wanda. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...



Nick

EDITOR'S NOTE: Nick died suddenly Thursday Feb 9th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his backside with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Wanda was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it.
 
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StarLight
post Nov 2 2011, 11:20 AM
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Blonde Jokes

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.


FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ? ? ?


CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'! laughter.gif
 
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StarLight
post Nov 6 2011, 03:56 PM
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Wife was sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap.

One evening, she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching & went to the bathroom."

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

He came in silently, he wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex.

When he finished, wife said, "You didn't expect me in this bed, did you?"
& switched on the light.

No Madam, said the Watchman.

MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed! laughter.gif
 
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Tuber
post Nov 7 2011, 09:35 AM
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QUOTE (StarLight @ Nov 6 2011, 03:56 PM) *
laughter.gif

Wife was sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap.

One evening, she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell her husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,
"Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching & went to the bathroom."

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.

He came in silently, he wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex.

When he finished, wife said, "You didn't expect me in this bed, did you?"
& switched on the light.

No Madam, said the Watchman.

MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed! laughter.gif


I like that laughter.gif
 
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